This post is the fourth in a series of posts about the MAPP Gathering, a web-based interview series on Motherhood, Ambition, Passion and Purpose.
Today I finally had a chance to dive into the 4th interview in the series. This interview was with Brene Brown, Ph.D. Dr. Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston where she does incredible research on shame and empathy. I think this may have been my favorite interview in the series so far. Probably because of how timely the information seemed to me.
Dr. Brown really talked about two topics that made my ears perk up. The first topic she discussed was the idea that where we are as human beings, how far we've come on our journey to wholeheartedness and worthiness, how we live our adult lives - is a better predictor of how our children will turn out than our parenting. And I thought
WOW! That makes so much sense to me. I'm not sure why but that just spoke volumes to me and made so much sense. Our children spend all of their time
watching us. So if we don't act like the type of adults that we want our children to become, how will they grow up to be those adults? In fact, Dr. Brown says that we can't give our kids more than what we have. In other words, I can't teach my kids to be more patient than I am. I can't teach my children to be more caring than I am. I can't teach my children to be more loving than I am... because I don't know how to teach someone to do something better than I can do it. So those moms who ultimately raise the best kids aren't the ones who necessarily
do something right in teaching their kids, they are the moms who worked hard at making themselves good examples of what they wanted their children to be. These moms have accepted who they are and proclaimed, "I am enough."
I thought back to my childhood quite a bit today after listening to this interview... seeking out examples. And I couldn't believe how many awesome examples I could find. I had one friend growing up who's mother was constantly on a diet. She was never ok with how she looked. And I remember my friend being on diets as early as about the 1st grade (and maybe earlier!). I don't believe anyone ever told my friend that she needed to lose weight. In fact, she was never even close to being overweight at any point in her life. She was always a beautiful girl. But just like her mother she was never quite happy about how she looked - I assume because she learned that from her mother. I know women who's mothers were very actively involved in community development - always volunteering to help somewhere. And these women are now actively involved in such things as well. I've certainly learned a number of things from my own mother... as I child I remember my mother wearing a swimsuit once. And hating it the whole time. I, too, hate to wear swimsuits and have from as far back as I can remember. At five years old I remember being self-conscious in a swimsuit. My mother was also an incredibly hard worker and still is. She puts in a ton of hours at the office working for a cause that she believes in. And so do I. My mother was also the most affectionate parent on the planet - telling us repeatedly how much she loved us and showering us with hugs and kisses. Lorelai constantly complains about how I'm always kissing her and telling her I love her. I think there may be a bit of truth to this whole argument.
And wow. What a responsibility! To know that it's not just teaching your kids how to be a good adult, but its about modeling that type of adult to your children. What kind of an adult do I want my children to be? Responsible. Caring. Passionate. Civic minded. Loving. Happy. Empowered. Intelligent. Compassionate. Joyful. Fulfilled. That's a tall order to model for them. What a challenge motherhood can be! Especially as we realize that that challenge calls us to be the very best people that we can possibly be.
And that's where the second topic in the interview came into play. This idea of being the perfect mother and shaming other mothers for not living up to our expectations. This has been such a topic of note for me lately as a couple of recent Facebook threads by my friends have spoken to this topic. We all know those mothers... the ones that stare at you slack jawed as you bottle feed your baby. How dare you! Don't you know that breastfeeding is the best thing you can do for your child? You're a crummy mummy! You're not doing what you should be doing for your child! And you let your child have a pacifier! You'll ruin their teeth. You let your child sleep in your bed with you? Don't you know the dangers of co-sleeping? And on and on... We all know who these mommies are. Mommies who feel the need to critique every other mommy's parenting abilities and shame them into believing that their way of parenting is subpar. The judge other mommies. They critique other mommies. Any mommy who is doing something different than what they are doing is wrong. And as Dr. Brown puts it, it's because they view mommies doing things differently as a threat and as judgment. Parenting (especially during those first five years) is so unbelievably hard that these mommies believe that they just
have to be doing it right. Otherwise what is all this effort and exhaustion for? And they feel shame at the idea that they might be doing something wrong. So their response is to attack other mommies. That's how they deal with shame and striving to be perfect.
I've certainly judged other moms. Yup. I've said it. I've done it. A number of times. I've seen parents at the store giving their babies Mountain Dew in a baby bottle and I've cringed. I've seen children in stores in the dead of winter with no shoes or socks and I've shaken my head. I've watched fellow adoptive mommies try to pretend to themselves and everyone else that this is their biological child and attempt to ignore the adoption all together - and I've carried some stress for those children on their behalf. That being said, I have never informed a mother that she was parenting poorly. I've never commented to another mother on how she needs to improve her parenting skills or how messed up she's going to make little Billy. I have been on the receiving side of that. Which may be why I feel so strongly about not dishing that out. And I think it's time to stop the judgement. It's certainly time to stop the shaming and the blaming and the tearing each other down. There is nothing good that comes of that. Nothing. Maybe you feel good momentarily for having done your duty and informing some mother that she is doing a terrible job raising her child since she's opted for Similac over breast milk, but do you think she's going to rush home a toss all the Similac now that you've informed her of the
right way to do things? No. She's going to keep doing what's best for her; although, now she may feel pretty worthless about it.
Mothers should be a support for each other. When you see a child pitching a fit in a store with a disheveled mother who looks like she's about to lose her mind, we should be sending sympathetic glances not glares of shame. That poor mama is having a rough day! The last thing she needs is for someone to be trying to take her down a notch so that we can feel better about our parenting choices. So let's take a moment right now and all agree out loud.
Yes, I said out loud! Say it with me...
I am no longer going to judge and shame mothers who parent differently than I do because I am going to be the kind of adult that I want my child to be. I don't want my child to be the kind of adult who shames and bullies others to feel better about themselves. I will be a better person for my child.
Thanks. Now let's all go try to be the kind of adults we want our children to grow up to be. Oh! And drop by and listen to this interview with Brene Brown, Ph.D. at the
Mapp Gathering. You'll be so glad that you did!
