Parenthood

Last night was the season finale of Parenthood on NBC. This season has been a long journey for Julia and Joel as they have worked to adopt a child. I've been waiting on pins and needles to see how their adoption experience goes and last night it culminated in a child for them. My husband and I watched the past two episodes last night and when it was over, I turned and said to him... I feel so lucky that we didn't go through that. I can't imagine what it would be like to hold the baby you've been waiting on, and then have the birth mother change her mind. 

http://www.nbc.com/parenthood/exclusives/take-it/

We had prepared ourselves as best we could for that situation. We knew it was a possibility. We tried not to think about it, and yet we knew we needed to be prepared for that possibility. With Lorelai, we didn't see her until after all the papers had been signed and we were there to bring her home. I think that it would have been incredibly hard if that had fallen through - because we imagined her. We had named her. We were so ready to be parents. And if it had fallen through, we would have gone home to an empty house.

But then with Logan... it was so much riskier. I was there, like Julia, in the delivery room. I saw Logan being born. I held her and sobbed, knowing this was my child. And I worried that C* would change her mind. On some level, I think it would have been ok if she had changed her mind. We wanted to be Logan's parents - but we also knew that we had Lorelai at home. If Lorelai's birth mother would have changed her mind, we would have gone home and still not been parents. If Logan's had done so, we would have gone home to Lorelai. And while we would have been incredibly sad and disappointed, we still had Lorelai. And I would have understood if she had changed her mind. With both birth mothers, I would have understood. I wouldn't have been angry with them. I know I wouldn't have. I would have been sad, but I would have supported their decision. And in the end, neither one changed their mind. We brought home Lorelai. And we brought Logan home to meet her big sister.

As I watched that episode last night, I just kept thinking about what our lives would be like without Lorelai or Logan. I can't imagine living in a house that is not constantly buzzing with their noise. I can't imagine not getting all the hugs and kisses, not having toys scattered everywhere, and not finding handprints on every glass surface in our home. I love every moment with them. And while it's just a TV show, I'm glad that Julia and Joel got their new son so they will now how wonderful it is to have two little ones running around their home. They're lucky, just like we are.

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Who are you willing to adopt?

I just began reading my second book for the Adoption Reading Challenge 2012! This time I've selected No Biking in the House Without a Helmet by Melissa Fay Greene. And while I'm only a half dozen chapters into the book, I'm really enjoying it. I'll give you my full review when I'm finished, but I wanted to talk about something related to the book first. I just read a chapter where she discussed filling out the agency forms that essentially ask, "Who are you willing to adopt?" And it triggered old memories and anxieties within me...

I remember when we were filling out those forms. And I remember having a discussion about them with our social worker. Basically these forms give you a huge list of potential characteristics of a child and ask you if you would be willing to adopt a child with these. For example, are you willing to adopt a blonde child... how about a brunette? Boy? Girl? Twins? And if you're me you're thinking, ummm... if it's human, I'll take it! Right? Seriously, who are these people who will only take blonde babies with blue eyes?

Well then the questions start getting more tricky... what if the baby has Down's Syndrome? Fetal alcohol syndrome? Is drug addicted? Has a heart defect? A family history of ADHD or mental illness? And then the wheels start turning in your mind... why are they asking all these questions? Do the babies from this agency typically have something wrong with them? What happens if I say no? Will I wait 20 years to find a healthy baby? What if I say yes? Does that mean we'll definitely get an unhealthy baby because we've agreed to it? Are we capable of handling a baby with special needs? Will I be a good enough parent to handle that? Am I a good enough person to handle that? Can I handle the guilt if I say no? And then the real guilt settles in... I should feel lucky to have any baby. My family health history isn't exactly spectacular... and I could just have easily have given birth to a baby with Down's or anything else (well, you know what I mean.).

I remember discussing this with my social worker. I just wanted her advice. Her answer... there are lots of people out there who would specifically take a baby with X,Y or Z... People line up for that. And my response... huh. I can't imagine heading in to an adoption agency and saying give the healthy babies to someone else, I'd like a special needs child. Not that I wouldn't love any child that was ours. Not that I wouldn't care for and advocate for them. Not that I wouldn't do anything for them. But who would go out and seek that? I felt like that would be the equivalent of being pregnant and using drugs to try to damage the baby before it arrived. Why would you do such a thing? Ultimately, we checked all the boxes. We would happily love any baby, no matter what types of health difficulties he/she may or may not have. We hoped the baby would be healthy, but we would love and care for any baby that arrived.

Well... almost. There were a couple of boxes that we didn't check. One related to the race of the child. We wanted a child of the same race as us. We thought a lot about this. It really didn't matter to us what race the child was. What mattered to us was that we live in a small town in the midwest... a town with virtually no racial diversity. In families with not even the slightest variation in skin color. And our choice to stay within our own race was because we knew that we couldn't give our child of another race the cultural and racial experience that they should be able to have. I don't know what it's like to be an African American or Asian American or Native American or... well anything but a freakishly pale white girl. I can only imagine. And I don't have a wide net of friends or family who are African American, Asian, Native American, etc. to help me fill in those gaps for my child. And this is purely due to our geographic isolation... In a rural, midwestern town, diversity hardly exists. And I didn't think that was fair to our potential child. We were already thinking about how we could possibly give our child the very best, and we knew that we couldn't give that child the very best in that regard.

Fortunately, when our adoptions went through we wound up with two perfectly healthy little girls. But the checklist was certainly a sobering experience for us. It was a very real look at the myriad of things that could go wrong while our little bun was in someone else's oven. And it really made us examine ourselves as potential parents and as human beings. And I'm kind of glad that we did it. In fact, I think it's one of those things that every parent should do - adoptive or otherwise. I think it really made us appreciate our healthy children and helped us to realize just how lucky we are. And for me, it further instilled in me the belief that women should have access to affordable health care - no matter who they are. All that from a little checklist.

Well, back to reading that book! Review to come soon...

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MAPP Gathering

A friend of mine sent me a link to a new website called the MAPP Gathering. MAPP stands for Motherhood, Ambition, Passion & Purpose and the website offers a series of interviews from women around the world that relate to these topics. The idea is to devote 9 days to listening to these interviews and working on becoming a mom who can balance these four areas in your life. I've just signed up... and am looking forward to seeing what I can learn from these women. I hope you'll consider joining me in this journey...

http://www.mappgathering.com/

See you on the other side!

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Needing Your Support

Hello lovely readers. Today I'm taking a diversion from Mommyland (sort of)...

As many of my readers are my family and friends, this news will not be new to you. To those of you who aren't up to speed - settle in.

One morning this past August I woke up and felt like I had literally been hit by a semi truck while I was sleeping. I ached all over. It hurt to move. And I thought to myself - What the hell did I do yesterday? I couldn't remember doing anything particularly out of the ordinary. So I thought maybe I had some sort of a virus.

Two weeks passed. I never felt any better.

Another week passed. I couldn't pick up the baby anymore. Trying to hold her made my wrists give out. And playing on the floor with the kids felt like someone was torturing me. I called the doctor.

(Imagine calendar pages flying by now.) There were tests. Lots of tests. And there is not much that I hate more than needles. There was a lot of pain. There were medications tried. Side effects. I felt like every bone in my body was broken. More tests. Did I mention the pain? And then finally six months later... a diagnosis. I have rheumatoid arthritis.

My doctor had speculated that it might be that from the beginning. I didn't think that was a big deal. Unusual perhaps... that's what old people get right? But I thought that was nothing. I'd be fine. I'm young and healthy. I'll kick this in no time. I knew nothing.

So rheumatoid arthritis... or RA... essentially it means that I have a super human immune system - one that is attacking my own joints. And if I get it under control, hopefully everything will be fine. If I can't get it under control... well, we're not going to think about that.

I've been working with a great team of doctors. And I now have a pill sorter that is chock full of tiny little pills that I take every day with a bonus bunch of pills that I only take on Wednesday (gives a whole new meaning to hump day around here). I've gone from someone who refused to take Tylenol for a headache to someone who takes 7-12 pills a day. Blah. But I am feeling better. I still have pain, but not as much as I was having. And I can hold my children again - although not for terribly long periods of time (no more carrying them through the zoo). And taking care of myself has become a huge priority which means I have to slack on things I wouldn't normally slack on. And that's been hard for me. But I'm figuring it out and doing the best that I can.

So why am I blogging about this? Well, because there isn't a cure for this. I can take meds to help try to manage my symptoms, but I can't make it all go away. And I want there to be a cure. So much so that I have signed up to walk in the Arthritis Foundation's walk to raise money for research on RA. So I'm asking you all to please take a few moments, head over to my donation page, and add a little something to my efforts. My family and I would really appreciate it. You have no idea how much.

http://www.kintera.org/faf/donorreg/donorpledge.asp?ievent=491866&supId=351731636&msource=bfschedule

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Homemade Laundry Detergent

Today I set out to make my own laundry detergent. I had read something in our church bulletin that a woman on the internet had a great recipe that would cost you under $20 and would last about 9 months for a family of four. Being that I spend about that much each month, I was interested to say the least.

So today I downloaded her recipe (http://beingcreativetokeepmysanity.blogspot.com/2010/11/homemade-laundry-soap.html), bought the ingredients (I found everything I needed at Meijer), and whipped up a batch in about 10 minutes. It was easy!

And then to test it out... I threw in my first load of laundry with my newly created laundry detergent. The results? In a full load, about 3 items still were dirty. That's not terribly unusual at our house with a toddler and a preschooler. Load 2 is in the wash now... I'll let you know how it goes!

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Potty training... it's a process.

(I know I've been MIA for a bit. Amazing how busy life can get sometimes.)

My oldest is approaching 3 and 1/2 years. And potty training is still an issue... I have done a ton of reading on the subject, but nothing seems to be giving me any guidance for our particular situation.

1) Is she capable of being potty trained? Yes. She's physically capable. In fact, she'll go for days without having an accident. She still wears pull-ups at nap time and bed time, but otherwise she's just fine. Then, out of no where she refuses to wear underwear and will only wear pull-ups. And she refuses to go to the bathroom any where but her pull ups.

2) Did we buy her cute underwear? Yup. We own every style available in the stores. I think we have 60 pairs of tiny underwear. We have every available cartoon character, color, style. You name it, I've bought it.

3) Do we make a big deal out of her successes? Yup. We used to even give her candy each time she went on the potty. But then we discovered she was so capable of doing this that she would hold it and only go a tiny bit each time so as to get candy multiple times instead of the one time (yes, she's brilliant).

4) Do we make a big deal out of accidents? Nope. We shrug our shoulders and just say "Accidents happen," and move on. That is what every book and article (and even Elmo!) told me to do.

5) Is there a problem with other siblings? You bet. We were on the fast track to potty training when the new baby arrived. Instantly Lorelai refused to wear her pull-ups anymore. She wanted diapers like the baby. We (at the advice of our pediatrician) obliged. That lasted about 2 months and then she wanted to be a "Big Girl!'. Of course, there are still moments when jealousy rears its ugly head and Lorelai wants to be a baby again. And then we start all over again.

6) Did we make the potty fun? Yes. We bought her a pretty little potty and let her decorate it with lots of stickers. We even spelled her name out on it in glittery letters. Sometimes she'll use it. Other times she prefers the big person potty. And yet other times she won't use either.

7) Do we let her run around naked? (hysterical laughter) If you've been to my house in the past year, you probably wonder if my daughter actually owns pants. She's naked all the time. And many days refuses to wear any clothes at all. In fact, she's parading around in her birthday suit as I type.

So that's it. That's the bulk of what I found in my research and yet no dice. Did you have trouble convincing your toddler/preschooler to use the potty all the time? Did you have these set backs? And if so what did you do about it? What works????

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